I was not sure exactly what to post here about how I feel about Parker's surgery in two weeks. When I found out a year ago that surgery was an option I was FURIOUS. I was angry at God that he was sick, I was angry at myself because I thought I had done something while I was pregnant to give Parker his heart defect. I have since learned that God didn't give Parker a broken heart and I didn't do anything wrong either - we live in imperfect bodies. All of our bodies have problems - we all get sick. This is no one's fault. It just happened. God is here for us to give us strength and peace when we have run out but He did not DO this to us.
To my own amazement, I am slowly becoming grateful for Parker's surgery. Once again, his life will be saved. If this surgery was not an option, he would be months or years away from heart failure. Once again, science and modern medicine will save his life. Once again these two men Dr Mavroudis and Dr Backer will reach their hands into his chest and repair the damage that has been done and make his heart work better. Once again we have heard "this is fixable".
Do you know what the alternative is? I have met women in the last two years who have heard "there is nothing left to try" or "his body is too weak to try anything else". I have sat in a waiting room preparing to hear those words and then the doctor came in smiling and said "this is fixable". I have tried to capture the way I felt that day - how oddly happy I was to hear that Parker had TGA. Because the alternative was so bad.
I am sad, really sad about what he is about to go through. Sometimes my instinct is just to drive past the hospital next Tuesday so that no one can hurt him. I am sad because I know he is going to be in pain and I know he is going to be scared. I am so anxious about how to comfort him and make sure this as easy as possible for him. When I close my eyes at night the last thing that I see before I fall asleep is his little lips squished together with tape holding the ventilator in place. I am sad about all of these things - but I will take him to the hospital next Tuesday. I will help hold him down while they draw blood. I will tell him that everything will feel better in a few days even though I know he doesn't understand that. I will do all of it because this operation will save his heart again. And even though I am so sad and wish I could change places with him next week - I will always be grateful that this surgery is an option - I will embrace it and we will all be blessed by it.
