And now for a novel...

Well, my baby is a toddler! He is 1 years old! WOOHOOO! I can not believe it has been a year already! So much has changed this year. I guess that is the way it is with babies. As soon as we had him figured out he would move onto a new phase. I have heard that this slows down a bit now and we can finally settle down and enjoy the world of toddlers. Ok maybe "enjoy" is the wrong word. We can survive the world of toddlers :-)
Last night as I was going to bed I was remembering the same night a year ago. Jon came back to my hospital room after being with Parker at the Children's Hospital for a few hours. He came into the room, I was sleeping, but he kissed my head and told me he had never been so proud of me in all the years he had known me. He slept on the couch and we talked over the whole day. It was an amazing amazing day.

We had gone to bed on the 28th after watching two movies. We had stayed up late and had a little party because my parents were coming to Chicago the next day and we knew that the next morning was our last day to sleep in for a long time. We turned off the tv around 1:30. I woke up around 3, 3:30, 4:00 and could not figure out why I was waking up. Around 4:15 it dawned on me that I was having contractions that were waking me up! I told Jon and he told me to go back to sleep and they would go away. He was not being insensitive. I had woken him up every morning for the last two weeks saying the same thing to him! Around 6 that morning they were actually painful and I woke him up again and he told me to take a shower and see how they were. I did, and could not stand up strait in the shower! I messed around online for a bit ate breakfast. Around 9 Jon was convinced that it was show time and we headed the hospital. We checked in and they told me that I had labored to 4 centimeters! We were SO excited!
Labor was awesome for me! Once we got up to our room they told me if I wanted an epidural that I needed to get on the list knowing there would be a wait. I told them that I was fine, but I would make sure to get on the list when things got intense. About 15 minutes later, Jon was in the bathroom and I nearly stopped breathing from the pain. "This could get very bad!" I thought and called for the epidural man! A few minutes later my new best friend was in the room. They asked Jon to leave and I remmeber being really scared. The nurse held me - or rather I held her and within 20 minutes the pain was gone! When Jon came back in we watched some tv, he scratched my itchy back and we had a fine time. Around 5 Dr. Patel came in and asked if I was ready. What a silly question! TONS of doctors and med students came into the room. Parker's heart defect is rare and it was a "medical treat" for the students to see the action unfold. So I pushed in all the glory of a birthing woman with 30 people cheering me on. I tuned everyone but Jon's voice out.
When Parker was born he squealed! It was not a cry. I think Jon was afraid I had given birth to some dinosaur species. I did not get to hold him. Dr. Patel handed him over to the teams of doctors in the corners and they crowded around him to work. Everyone in awhile someone would move and I would catch a glimpse of his little squished up face. The light was really bright in his eyes and he did not open them. He did not cry though.
They did not get the IV started so they took him to the NICU to get a line in his belly button and promised that I could go down in an hour or so to see him. I cried when he left. A ouple of nurses came in to tell me that he as beautiful and to make sure that I was doing ok. My parents arrived literally 30 minutes after he was born. It is a surreal moment to see your mom and dad when you've just had a baby! The pride is indescribable. It's like you want to say "See, your love and hard work have paid off! I, have created life!! Come and see MY child!!"

We made small talk for the hour that we waited. At 7:00, exactly one hour after they had taken him instincts took over and I NEEDED to see him. I sent Jon and my dad hunting for Parker. They came back and told me we could head down to the NICU. AS we were walking in, well, I was being wheeled in, it occured to me that I had only actually seen Parker for a minute or two and I panicked that I might not recognize him. I envisioned the nurses waiting for me to say "ok, this is my child, this is where we stop" and I had no idea if I would be able to recognize him from the others. As it turned out, I could never forget his face. I knew exactly which one was his. It was either Mother's Instinct, or the fact that the other babies in the NICU were 2-4 lb premies and Parker was 7 lbs! He looked like a giant. He looked like he was the heathiest baby in the room. I stood up on legs that I could not feel and held onto the side of his bed to support myself. He did not open his little eyes, he was not crying, he was not really squirming much. He made this sweet little whinning sound. He must have been terrified, but he did not act like it. The nurse told me to push his legs up to his stomach and hold his arms down because he was used to be squished up. I tried, but I really just wanted to touch his face, so I did when she wasn't looking. After awhile, the room started to get fuzzy and I blacked out. It was such a hard decision because I was not ready to go back to room and say goodbye, but I did not want to faint and take attention off of Parker. Luckily, my nurse saw tha I was pale and she made me go back upstairs to bed. I said goodbye and left Parker and Jon in the NICU.

My mom and dad and Jon went to Children's with Parker. I had taken some pain medicine and was tired so I tried to sleep. I was in and out of sleep until Jon came back around 1:30 that morning.

If someone had told me a year and nine months ago that my birth story would be so different than what I expected I would have been crushed. Women who have had healthy children and who were able to hold their babies right away and who had the choice to sleep with their baby in the room or send them to the nursery always say they feel bad for me. I don't feel bad for me. It was an amazing day. The best day of my life. It was the start of a million firsts.

The next evening would be the first time I would hold him. We would spend two days in the NICU at Children's holding him and loving on him. On the third morning I held him while my family stood around him and said a prayer before we walked down to the surgical holding room and watched them wheel him away to surgery. That afternoon when they told me that he was ok, that he was going to live, I cried with a relief so overwhelming that I thought it would literally take me over. Then a few hours later we saw him and I felt like I was five years old again. I had no idea what to do. The relief that I had been feeling disolved instantly and turned into saddness, fear, and a powerful need to change places with him. We coped though. I learned how to change his diapers while his body was all tied up with wires and tubes. I gave him a bath, held him, fed him, and we made it work. Then we went home and the real fun started. Our life started.

I know this has been a novel and if anyone is still reading this far down the page, I am so emotional today because 20 years ago, he would not be here. If he had been born just 20 years ago, I would have a very sad story to tell. It is a MIRACLE that he is here and healthy and happy. I would do it over a million times. He and Jon make my life great. Happy birthday to Parker!!!