Parker's second open heart surgery...

I was not sure exactly what to post here about how I feel about Parker's surgery in two weeks. When I found out a year ago that surgery was an option I was FURIOUS. I was angry at God that he was sick, I was angry at myself because I thought I had done something while I was pregnant to give Parker his heart defect. I have since learned that God didn't give Parker a broken heart and I didn't do anything wrong either - we live in imperfect bodies. All of our bodies have problems - we all get sick. This is no one's fault. It just happened. God is here for us to give us strength and peace when we have run out but He did not DO this to us.

To my own amazement, I am slowly becoming grateful for Parker's surgery. Once again, his life will be saved. If this surgery was not an option, he would be months or years away from heart failure. Once again, science and modern medicine will save his life. Once again these two men Dr Mavroudis and Dr Backer will reach their hands into his chest and repair the damage that has been done and make his heart work better. Once again we have heard "this is fixable".

Do you know what the alternative is? I have met women in the last two years who have heard "there is nothing left to try" or "his body is too weak to try anything else". I have sat in a waiting room preparing to hear those words and then the doctor came in smiling and said "this is fixable". I have tried to capture the way I felt that day - how oddly happy I was to hear that Parker had TGA. Because the alternative was so bad.

I am sad, really sad about what he is about to go through. Sometimes my instinct is just to drive past the hospital next Tuesday so that no one can hurt him. I am sad because I know he is going to be in pain and I know he is going to be scared. I am so anxious about how to comfort him and make sure this as easy as possible for him. When I close my eyes at night the last thing that I see before I fall asleep is his little lips squished together with tape holding the ventilator in place. I am sad about all of these things - but I will take him to the hospital next Tuesday. I will help hold him down while they draw blood. I will tell him that everything will feel better in a few days even though I know he doesn't understand that. I will do all of it because this operation will save his heart again. And even though I am so sad and wish I could change places with him next week - I will always be grateful that this surgery is an option - I will embrace it and we will all be blessed by it.

Another confession...

Tonight I was looking at our TV guide and I saw a movie called Echo

and I thought

why would they make movie about an echo (like echocardiogram)? Is it the story of the first echo? Weird...

Hearts are my life....

Da Dangit...

Confession: Tonight after I put Parker to bed I came out into the living room to pick up. Once I was done I sat down to watch TV and check my email. I realized Noggin was still on and I started to change it when one of my favorite songs came on....so I left it on until the end....tapping my foot and everything....

Even more...I watched the MTV movie awards last night and I did not know ONE song that was performed!!!!

I am pretty sure this wasn't supposed to happen until I was at least twenty seven.

My friend Melissa's girl

I usually don't post about friends from my support group's children, but Melissa has just been so wonderful to me and we have been praying for each others kids for over a year. Melissa's daughter's name is Josie. Josie is 2 and was born with HLHS. She has just sailed through her three open heart surgeries and should be "set" as far as her heart goes for a long time! I found out this evening that she had a stroke while waiting to see a doctor this week. I am not sure what all this means as I have literally just learned about this a few minutes ago. I am going to post Melissa's carepage entry:


Please pray for Josie. Josie had not been feeling well this week so we made a doctor appointment for her Saturday morning. While waiting to go back to the exam room, Josie was sitting in a chair at a table and all of a sudden she slumped out of the chair and we could tell she wasn't right. She was rigid and her right side had gone limp. We yelled for help, went to one hospital wherre they took blood and ran a few tests and then ended up at our hospital, Hope Children's. After a MRI we found out that Josie had a small stroke. There are 2 kinds of strokes that occur - the first involved bleeding on the brain which is more serious - and the second, that not does not involve bleeding and was due to a small clot. Thankfully, Josie's stroke did not involve bleeding, but as of right now she can not walk, talk, or even sit up on her own. She is starting to show more movement on her right side, but she is scared, confused and I just want my baby back. I feel like someone has robbed me of my baby I want her back. I want to wake up from this awful nightmare. Right now the doctors are just monitoring her care - it's amazing that her heart function is doing good, they have no real concerns as of right now. The computers at the hospital just plain suck so I don't know when I will be able to update again. Josie can use all your prayers and positive thoughts right now. Andy and I can too. I am having a real difficult time dealing with this. I have sat through 3 of her open heart surgeries yet the past 24 hours have almost been just as difficult and painful. We will update when we have a chance.

Josie's carepage is JosieBall

I do not know anything about strokes or how serious they are or if it causes permant damage...but I'm sure they are all so scared. Please say some prayers for them tonight.

Update?

Wow - I know it has been a long time since I have last posted! We have had our hands full here! Parker has been sick for almost 3 weeks! He had some weird virus and had a fever for 6 days - then the whole thing has turned into a sinus infection. PLUS the poor guy has four molars coming in and possibly his canine teeth (is that the technical name?). At any rate - I have been sitting around here watching my hair turn grey worrying about this boy! Seriously - 6 grey hairs now....

We are about 12 days away from his next echo and I have to say that our whole future seems to be hanging in the balance of this decision! I am just praying that it is not time for surgery. I do not feel up to it. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to get in the car and drive him to the hospital and hand him back over. My instinct is to run away with him so that no one can hurt him. I guess Mother's Intuition is flawed after all...I am really praying that whatever the echo shows, the decision to have surgery or postpone it will be very obvious and not something Jon and I have to come home and decide on our own.

On a lighter note, I am loving my job! It is FANTASTIC to be working around so many dramatic people again! I have met some wonderful girls and am just having a blast! I have not enjoyed going to work this much in a LONG time and it is such a blessing! Parker has the hang of it too which makes it even better. He really likes his teachers and I think is nice to the kids.

He is such a handful these days! He has mastered the art of temper tantrums. He collapses to the floor dropping to his knees then fallings the rest of the way down in a "WHY WHY WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?" sort of tormented motion. He flips to his back and kicks his feet turning his body in a circle. God forbid he hit his head on something during this maneuver or the whole thing escalates. It is just hysterical to watch. Well, sometimes it's funny. It is not funny when he does this on the elevator or on an airplane. That is not funny. It is also not funny at 5 in the morning - he has taken to waking up with the sun. I do not have it in me to be understanding or sympathetic to anything that early in the morning. If he wakes up that early expecting Mrs. Cleaver he is SOL! You would think he would just opt to play quietly in his room until 7 but no, he would rather deal with me and I guess that is sweet. He is talking a lot! He is capable of following directions like "give this Dad" or "go find your shoes" but I am learning capable is not always willing and it is the getting him to be willing part that I need to work on. Anyway, we are all doing just fine here! I do love this site and I miss writing - it is a great outlet. I just have not had time for outlets!!! I will do better! Thanks for still checking!

Does this make me look like that rat in Ratatouille?

I think I need some sleep....

Dang

So this evening I was wasting time on facebook, looking up people I work with now. I left a message on my co-teachers facebook bad mouthing one of the kids in our class. Jon said "you better be careful - I hope their parents don't read what you said". I said, way to quickly, "They are parents...what would they be doing on facebook?!" To which Jon replied "You are a parent...and you are on facebook"


riiiiiiight

Bad Mommy of the Year goes to....

Just in time for Mother's Day! I found these pictures in an article called "Bad Mommy Moments" and was laughing pretty hard! Enjoy!!

I just like 'em

I can not think of a situation in which Double Stuff Oreos would not make me feel better. Bad day? Oreos in my Pjs on the couch. Good day? Oreos and champaign! I am pretty sure that I am going to turn into an Oreo. At the end of every day, no matter what has happened, I would like Oreos.

Parker Daycare update #2

Well...week one ended pretty well for Parker! By Friday he had attached himself to one of his teachers - Miss Mary and as long as she is within 10 feet of him, he is a pretty happy camper! It is just so much change for a little person who's life has been structured to the hour for 15 months! He has never missed a nap! His sleep is just totally thrown at daycare and it is backing up at night here too. We are just exhausted. We have never liked to he leave him to cry on his own, but he has been getting up all hours of the night and for LONG periods of time! Even that I can handle - but he is waking up before 5 in the morning for the whole day! Those who know me know...I am not capable of being friendly, functional or much less motherly at 5:00 am. Rough week! But we have made it!
So that is the quick update on Parker. I, on the other hand, am LOVING it! It does not feel like babysitting at all which is just such a change. I am a two year old teacher and we have lessons and curriculum, and they are all just so sweet and funny. My co-teacher is awesome and I am so excited to get to know her better.
I think that this will work out. I am hoping that by this next Friday Parker will be back to his old self (specifically sleeping until after 7:30 would be GREAT).
We have been really trying to love him up in our home time. We have made an effort to keep the computer and tv off when he is up and be focusing more on him. Here are some pictures of our first zoo trip! He had a BLAST!

Daycare Drama

Well...Parker started daycare last week. He went for 4 hours on Wednesday, 4 hours on Thursday and 1 hour on Friday. He did GREAT on Wednesday and Thursday. His teachers said they had never laughed so hard and that he was just so cute. Friday - he understood that this was the new deal and he did not like it one bit! He cried for an hour and I went and picked him up. He has acted weird ever since. He cries all day, clings to me...like claws up my body to get into my arms, and does not want to be alone. There are not words to describe how guilty I felt! Our house has been one big tear fest!
THEN - the vomiting started....then the nasty diapers, then the kind of crying that means he's in pain. I am sorry to say that after his few short hours in daycare - he has contracted HAND FOOT AND MOUTH DISEASE!!!! He has "lacerations" (that is the doctor's word not mine) in the back of his throat. He has been sick since that Friday. That explains why he has been so sad and clingy. I just feel so bad for him. Needless to say, he has spent the week at home and Jon and I have juggled around my work schedule and his school schedule so that one of us was home with him all week. The doctor told me this morning that he would be feeling better by Monday.
We are all pretty tired. It was a really emotional week as he has never really been sick (aside from the heart surgery that is). I am really really hoping that once he feels better he will get into his classroom at daycare. His teachers are AWESOME and really want him to adjust quickly. Still - it's hard on us because we have always been together. I hope by next Friday we are in a great little routine and we are all comfortable!

Startin' Somethin' New!

Well, after a LONG year, I finally quit my job! It was way past time to leave when I walked out and Friday and have not been back since. I spent the whole weekend agonizing over what to do now. There was a job available at my old daycare center and a place open for Parker. His teachers are three of my friends and they are all just so great. Needless to say - I took the job!!
I cried and cried the night before I left him the first time. I have never done anything so difficult in my life and I don't know how so many women do it!! Geez...but it was all for nothing. He walked right in and had a GREAT day! I could not believe it! He only stayed for a few hours Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Tomorrow is our first full day. I have been working 52 hours a week for Paul and Heather and will be working 40 now. I can not imagine that kind of extra time! I am just so excited.
I will have to update later this week to let everyone know how he held up!!
Here we go!!

Amazing story!!

Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome is the most complex heart defect (generally). There is still a worrisome mortality rate with these kids. Children who have this defect have 3 open heart surgeries early in life and over the course of the surgeries, doctors literally shut down an entire ventricle so the heart is functioning with 3 chambers instead of 4. Because every heart and every body is different, each child responds differently to this transition. It is a really scary defect. They have only just recently began really doing these surgeries well. 20 and 30 years ago, almost all of these kids died. This is a video though of a 30 year old man born with HLHS!!! He is the oldest survivor with the defect! It is just amazing!
I wanted to share it with you because it makes me so happy! This is a LONG video clip and this story begins 19 minutes and 42 seconds into it, so when you start it, move it ahead so you don't have to watch the whole thing! (I haven't watched any of the other clips - so don't hold me responsible!! :-) )

http://www.wedu.org/Content/VideoPop/SH_March_2008.aspx

Coping

I am pretty sure that everyone who would be reading this has read either an email or our carepage on what went on today. Needless to say, we are bumming a little....
A few people have asked us "how are you coping"? I'm not trying to make light of a serious situation, but this is how we are dealing:

Emily "Where are you going?"
Jon "McDonald's"
Emily "It's 10:00, why are you going to McDonalds?"
Jon "For some french fries"
Emily "Jon, you shouldn't eat like that when you are upset. It's a bad habit"
Jon "What? I can't understand you because you have too much chocolate in your mouth. Tell me when you're done eating that Reeces Easter Egg"

Hey...at least it's not alcohol right?

Good Friday

I have been reflecting for the last few days on Christianity in our culture today and have come to realize that according to our values that our actions demonstrate there is becoming less and less room for Jesus. I have been reading a book on this very subject and the author suggests that to be successful in our world you have to live and die by three philosophies:

1) What is in it for me?
2) If it feels good, tastes good, looks good, I'm doing it.
3) What is the least I can do?

Jesus on the other hand says the COMPLETE OPPOSITE. He asks "what's in it for YOU?" He says "I will offer my suffering and sacrifice up to my Father and He will wash over me and make me whole". He asks "What is the MOST I can do for you?".

Perhaps at no other time in history have the philosophies of man and the philosophies of Christ been in such conflict with each other. The author of this book has traveled all over the world and said the differnce between us and Christians 2000 years ago and us is that their faith WAS their lifestyle. Their lifestyle was not in conflict with their faith.

Today is good friday - the day Jesus died for us. How far have we come that we are now living lives that are indifferent to what Jesus did most of the time? When you really stop and process the moment - the pain, the emotion for him and his friends and family and also the creation changing event that was about to happen - salvation - how can we not strive to make our faith our life? What Jesus did for us IS life changing. How can our response be indifference?!

I found this poem today and really feel like it expresses the indifference that is so easy to fall into and also - so heartbreaking to Christ who just wants us so badly.

Indifference
By G. A. Studdert-Kennedy

When Jesus came to Golgatha,
They hanged Him on a tree,
They drove great nails through hands and feet,
And made a Calvary.
They crowned Him with a crown of thorns,
Red were His wounds and deep,
For those were crude and cruel days,
And human flesh was cheap.

When Jesus came to Birmingham
They simply passed Him by,
They never hurt a hair of Him,
They only let Him die;
For men have grown more tender,
And they would not give Him pain,
They only just passed down the street,
And left Him in the rain.

Still Jesus cried, 'Forgive them,
For they know not what they do!
And still it rained the winter rain
That drenched Him through and through;
The crowd went home and left the streets
Without a soul to see,
And Jesus crouched against a wall
And cried for Calvary.

I hope everyone has a happy Easter and really has a chance to meditate, celebrate and remember how MUCH God loves us and what an OVERWHELMING gift He gave to us.

Super Nanny!!

See? I'm still here :-)

Here are some funny pictures of Thad, Stephan and I at work one afternoon. We were goofing off with my computer....

I am not missing!!!

Well, I have not in fact disappeared from the face of the earth. What I have experienced in the last two weeks, ok three weeks since my last post has been so much more traumatic than disappearing...you wouldn't believe me if I told you! Oh we saw it coming sure. Books told me this day would come. My mother told me "don't encourage it". Strangers on the street warned me "your life will never be the same". I thought I knew. I didn't know.
"Walk to Dad Parker Jay" I demanded delightfully. "You are the best little boy in the world! What a good walker you are!" I cheered. I called grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, forming rows of cheerleaders for the boy against everyone's advice. I brought it on myself.
Parker is walking! Actually, I think the correct thing to say is that Parker is falling. He takes one step forward and 15 steps quickly in some direction to try to balance himself. It is hysterical and precious and boy am I tired!

Anyway - my fan sought me out this morning and I remembered that I hadn't posted in FOREVER! My apologies to those who spend time checking :-/ I WILL do better :-)

We left Parker in Dallas with his grandparents after our weekend trip! I have never been away from him before and while I am happy he is having fun, I have to say that I, well we, are something of a mess without him. We are just happier when he is with us! That said, while we are sitting here in the 40's that is Spring in Chicago, he is playing outside in 70 degree sunshine! So we wish him a happy vacation! We pick him up tomorrow night!!!

Parker's Birthday Letter

This is Parker's birthday letter that is going in his baby book. My plan is to write one every year. I can't believe he turned 1!!


Dear Parker Jay,

On the one year anniversary of the day you changed my life, the day you changed all of our lives, I want to tell you yet again just how much I love you. You are the best thing I have ever done. You define me and give my life meaning. You, with your cure-all belly laugh and your smile that is so wide I could drown in it, you, have given more to me than I could ever give to you. You have made me a mother. You have taught me to live in the moment – let go of the past, embrace the future but soak up every ounce of the now. You have taught me it is more than ok for things to be imperfect. You have taught me that it is better when I do not have control. I am a stronger, nicer, and happier because you are mine.

I am not the only one. You are surrounded, SURROUNDED by people who would literally walk on fire to be with you. Your father, for example, has booted me from my position as his best friend. You two are inseparable. He loves you and you have him wrapped around your little finger so tight that he has actually lost all hope of recovering. Your Nana and P-Daddy and Grandma and Grandpa dropped everything they were doing when you were born to be with you. They cry when you cry and are happy when you are happy. They make idiots of themselves making silly faces and noises to make you laugh. You have infused your spirit into their lives and taken over their hearts. You have aunts and uncles, great grandparents, cousins, friends, great aunts and uncles, second cousins who eagerly wait for holidays and special visits, who LOVE to see your sweet face and who brag about you to anyone who will listen. You even “get” people you have never met! You start these precious conversations with total strangers waving and smiling at them relentlessly until they give in and laugh. You have caved even the grumpy medical school professors who look physically to rigid to smile. You are so loved Parker Jay. I hope you always always feel it in the core of who you are. You are perfect to so many people.

I love how you cross your feet when you are eating. I love that you are scared of Tickle Me Elmo and come to find me when someone turns it on. I love that stop by my lap every once in awhile when you are playing to lay your head down. I love that you know what is yours and what isn't, but want it all anyway. I love the way your breath smells in the morning adn the way your hair always sticks out everywhere. I love the way you laugh and I love the way you throw temper tantrums. I love the way you love life.
You are so passionate and so strong. I know right now you are passionate about holding onto the keys when we need them to open the door, or holding the lap top by yourself, but I just know that one day your passion will mature and you will change the world. I just know it.

I have waited my whole life for you. You gave birth to me as much as I gave birth to you. Thank you, thank you for doing such an good job raising me. I will spend the rest of my life trying to return the favor.

I love you with all of my heart.

Love,
Mom

a glimpse into our crazy life...

In the words of my favorite character on TV, Golden Girls' Sophia Patrillo "Picture it"...it was 2:30 am this morning....our apartment. We were all sound asleep until Parker woke up crying, wanting "milk milk milk". It is unfortunate for him that he has two nut cases for parents.

Because we were so soundly sleeping, we were also deep in our own dreams. Jon was dreaming that Parker's cd that plays all night in his room had been replaced by a cd featuring the sound of a crying baby. He dreamt that Parker had woken up, but every time he fell back asleep, the cd of the crying baby woke him up again.
I was busy dreaming that I had lost the ability to tell time.

So poor Parker wakes up and instead of being the caring and attentive parents we usually are in the middle of the night, rushing to meet his needs as quickly and efficiently as possible so we can all go back to bed, we carried on this conversation:

Parker: "WAAAAAH WAAAAAH"
Emily: "I dont know what to do! Is it morning? Am I supposed to go get him?"
Jon: "Its just a tape, go back to sleep. I can't take it out now"
Parker: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"
Emily: "I don't know if it is time to go get him. Is he hungry?"
Jon: "I can't turn it off!!!"

Poor poor Parker Jay....after a minute or two we figured out that he was awake and he, I am happy to say, got his milk and went right back to sleep. It wasn't until late this afternoon that Jon and I put together the pieces of what happened!

I LOVE JON HEBDA!!

I love Valentine's Day!

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

WALK ON BUDDY!!!!!

PARKER IS WALKING!!!

I was sitting on the couch at Thad's house, feeding Stephan in my lap.  Parker was holding onto the coffee table in front of me saying "ma ma ma" which is actually "milk milk milk" not "mama mama mama".  Anyway, all of a sudden, a little bald head darts across the living room!  I realize Parker has let go of the table and taken off for behind the couch.  

"YOU'RE WALKING!!!!!" I screamed - completely scaring him.  He crashed, slamming his face into the door frame of the back door leaving him with a HUGE goose egg on his forehead and a swollen knot on his nose! He screamed bloody murder for like 30 minutes!  I thought he broke his nose.  Even still - I kept saying "I'm so proud of you!"  "You did it!!".  

What a great moment!  Aside from the crash landing, it was perfect technique if I may say so myself! 

Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Week

Today is the first day of Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Week! I have posed several posts on statistics, history of pediatric cardiology, and our own experiences with Congenital Heart Defects. This cause is really important to my heart. I wanted to share some news from our Mended Little Heart coordinator, Jaime. This is her email:

Mended Little Hearts has been working with the American Heart Association so that they understand how the CHD Community feels about the lack of awareness. Today, they put a ticker the top of the their national website (www.americanheart. org) about CHD Awareness Week. It links to info about CHD, and that page has a link to Mended Little Hearts. Not only that, but they sent a press release to all of their affiliates about CHD Week and about MHI and MLH. It is fabulous!!! This is huge compared to what we had in the past--very huge.

Obviously some huge steps :-) I have not heard word about the tv campaign adds but will definitely let everyone know if that works out!!! Right now, AHA only donates 1 cent of every dollar to CHD!!! Things could be SO much better with a little awareness. I don't need to spit off more statistics for why this is true. I do want to post a poem written by a mother, Stephanie who has a daughter who has gone through 3 open heart surgeries and is still hoping for a complete repair.

While I feel sooooo blessed that Parker's heart is completely repaired, it still makes me sad that there are so many families living day to day with fear! I think this poem by Stephanie expresses what life is like for these families.


You passed me in the shopping mall...
(You read my faded tee)
You tapped me on the shoulder...
Then asked...`"What'a a CHD?"

I could quote terminology...
There's stats that I could give...
But I would rather share with you...
A mother's perspective.

What is it like to have a child with a CHD?

It's Lasix,aspirin,Captopril....
It's wondering...Lord what's your will?...
It's monitors and oxygen tanks...
It's a constant reminder...to always give thanks...
It's feeding tubes, calories, needed weight gain...
It's the drama of eating...and yes it's insane!
It's the first time I held him...(I'd waited so long)
It's knowing that I need...to help him grow strong...
It's making a hospital...home for awhile...
It's seeing my reward...in every smile.
It's checking his sats...as the feeding pump's beeping...
It's knowing that there... is just no time for sleeping...
It's caths,x-ays and boo boos to kiss...
It's normalcy...I sometimes miss...
It's asking...do his nails look blue?
It's cringing inside... at what he's been through.
It's dozens of call to his pediatrician...
(She knows me by name...I'm a mom on a mission)
It's winter's homebound...and hand sanitizer...
It's knowing this journey...has made me much wiser.
It's watching him sleeping...his breathing is steady...
It's surgery day...and I'll never be ready.
It's handing him over...( I'm still not prepared...)
It's knowing that his heart... must be repaired...
It's waiting for news...on that long stressful day...
It's ...praying...it's hoping...that he'll be okay.
It's the wonderful friends... with whom I've connected...
It's the bond that we share...it was so unexpected...
It's that long faded scar... down my child's small chest...
It's touching it gently...and knowing we're blessed...
It's watching him chasing...a small butterfly...
It's the moment I realized...I've stopped asking...why?
It's the snowflakes that fall...on a cold winter's day...
(They remind me of those...who aren't with us today)
It's a brave little boy...who loved Thomas the train...
Or a special heart bear...or a frog in the rain....
It's the need to remember...we are all in this plight....
It's their lives that remind us... we still need to fight!
It's in pushing ahead amidst every sorrow...
It is finding the strength to have hope for tomorrow.

And no...we'll never be the same...
It's changed our family...
This is what we face each day...
This is...a CHD.

Parker sat through Church!!!!!!

IT's A MIRACLE!!!!! I have spent Sunday after Sunday in the church cry room with this boy! We have not gotten so far as the First Reading before we headed off! He squirms, cries, throws things, pulls random people's hair, and causes general chaos and destruction for an hour. Sure, I could leave him in the nursery, but you know I am neurotic and would never leave him with a stranger!
Anyway, today, just seven short days after turning one (my how the wheels of maturation are turning now!!) he DID IT!! We let him have some space and gave him his own seat in the pew! He played quietly with his toys in his lap during the reading, ate a snack during the homily, stood quietly in between us on the kneelers during Communion, and smiled at everyone who walked by! It was AMAZING! I am so excited! Jon and I had decided to really make an effort this Lent to refocus, re center, and reconnect to God and our Spiritual lives together. It was such a blessing to be able to participate in Church this morning. I feel like I am starting out this season on the right foot!! THANK YOU PARKER!!!!!

And now for a novel...

Well, my baby is a toddler! He is 1 years old! WOOHOOO! I can not believe it has been a year already! So much has changed this year. I guess that is the way it is with babies. As soon as we had him figured out he would move onto a new phase. I have heard that this slows down a bit now and we can finally settle down and enjoy the world of toddlers. Ok maybe "enjoy" is the wrong word. We can survive the world of toddlers :-)
Last night as I was going to bed I was remembering the same night a year ago. Jon came back to my hospital room after being with Parker at the Children's Hospital for a few hours. He came into the room, I was sleeping, but he kissed my head and told me he had never been so proud of me in all the years he had known me. He slept on the couch and we talked over the whole day. It was an amazing amazing day.

We had gone to bed on the 28th after watching two movies. We had stayed up late and had a little party because my parents were coming to Chicago the next day and we knew that the next morning was our last day to sleep in for a long time. We turned off the tv around 1:30. I woke up around 3, 3:30, 4:00 and could not figure out why I was waking up. Around 4:15 it dawned on me that I was having contractions that were waking me up! I told Jon and he told me to go back to sleep and they would go away. He was not being insensitive. I had woken him up every morning for the last two weeks saying the same thing to him! Around 6 that morning they were actually painful and I woke him up again and he told me to take a shower and see how they were. I did, and could not stand up strait in the shower! I messed around online for a bit ate breakfast. Around 9 Jon was convinced that it was show time and we headed the hospital. We checked in and they told me that I had labored to 4 centimeters! We were SO excited!
Labor was awesome for me! Once we got up to our room they told me if I wanted an epidural that I needed to get on the list knowing there would be a wait. I told them that I was fine, but I would make sure to get on the list when things got intense. About 15 minutes later, Jon was in the bathroom and I nearly stopped breathing from the pain. "This could get very bad!" I thought and called for the epidural man! A few minutes later my new best friend was in the room. They asked Jon to leave and I remmeber being really scared. The nurse held me - or rather I held her and within 20 minutes the pain was gone! When Jon came back in we watched some tv, he scratched my itchy back and we had a fine time. Around 5 Dr. Patel came in and asked if I was ready. What a silly question! TONS of doctors and med students came into the room. Parker's heart defect is rare and it was a "medical treat" for the students to see the action unfold. So I pushed in all the glory of a birthing woman with 30 people cheering me on. I tuned everyone but Jon's voice out.
When Parker was born he squealed! It was not a cry. I think Jon was afraid I had given birth to some dinosaur species. I did not get to hold him. Dr. Patel handed him over to the teams of doctors in the corners and they crowded around him to work. Everyone in awhile someone would move and I would catch a glimpse of his little squished up face. The light was really bright in his eyes and he did not open them. He did not cry though.
They did not get the IV started so they took him to the NICU to get a line in his belly button and promised that I could go down in an hour or so to see him. I cried when he left. A ouple of nurses came in to tell me that he as beautiful and to make sure that I was doing ok. My parents arrived literally 30 minutes after he was born. It is a surreal moment to see your mom and dad when you've just had a baby! The pride is indescribable. It's like you want to say "See, your love and hard work have paid off! I, have created life!! Come and see MY child!!"

We made small talk for the hour that we waited. At 7:00, exactly one hour after they had taken him instincts took over and I NEEDED to see him. I sent Jon and my dad hunting for Parker. They came back and told me we could head down to the NICU. AS we were walking in, well, I was being wheeled in, it occured to me that I had only actually seen Parker for a minute or two and I panicked that I might not recognize him. I envisioned the nurses waiting for me to say "ok, this is my child, this is where we stop" and I had no idea if I would be able to recognize him from the others. As it turned out, I could never forget his face. I knew exactly which one was his. It was either Mother's Instinct, or the fact that the other babies in the NICU were 2-4 lb premies and Parker was 7 lbs! He looked like a giant. He looked like he was the heathiest baby in the room. I stood up on legs that I could not feel and held onto the side of his bed to support myself. He did not open his little eyes, he was not crying, he was not really squirming much. He made this sweet little whinning sound. He must have been terrified, but he did not act like it. The nurse told me to push his legs up to his stomach and hold his arms down because he was used to be squished up. I tried, but I really just wanted to touch his face, so I did when she wasn't looking. After awhile, the room started to get fuzzy and I blacked out. It was such a hard decision because I was not ready to go back to room and say goodbye, but I did not want to faint and take attention off of Parker. Luckily, my nurse saw tha I was pale and she made me go back upstairs to bed. I said goodbye and left Parker and Jon in the NICU.

My mom and dad and Jon went to Children's with Parker. I had taken some pain medicine and was tired so I tried to sleep. I was in and out of sleep until Jon came back around 1:30 that morning.

If someone had told me a year and nine months ago that my birth story would be so different than what I expected I would have been crushed. Women who have had healthy children and who were able to hold their babies right away and who had the choice to sleep with their baby in the room or send them to the nursery always say they feel bad for me. I don't feel bad for me. It was an amazing day. The best day of my life. It was the start of a million firsts.

The next evening would be the first time I would hold him. We would spend two days in the NICU at Children's holding him and loving on him. On the third morning I held him while my family stood around him and said a prayer before we walked down to the surgical holding room and watched them wheel him away to surgery. That afternoon when they told me that he was ok, that he was going to live, I cried with a relief so overwhelming that I thought it would literally take me over. Then a few hours later we saw him and I felt like I was five years old again. I had no idea what to do. The relief that I had been feeling disolved instantly and turned into saddness, fear, and a powerful need to change places with him. We coped though. I learned how to change his diapers while his body was all tied up with wires and tubes. I gave him a bath, held him, fed him, and we made it work. Then we went home and the real fun started. Our life started.

I know this has been a novel and if anyone is still reading this far down the page, I am so emotional today because 20 years ago, he would not be here. If he had been born just 20 years ago, I would have a very sad story to tell. It is a MIRACLE that he is here and healthy and happy. I would do it over a million times. He and Jon make my life great. Happy birthday to Parker!!!

Parker's Birthday Stuff

Ok first things first! Just call me Mrs. Cleaver!!! Check out the cake that I, Emily Hebda, made for my son!!! Ok, Jon helped and credit is due where it is due! We are a great team! Good lookin' babies and good lookin' cakes!





Second things second! I have found a way around all of the sappy writing to express to everyone how much I love Parker and how proud I am of his accomplishments this year! Jon and I have been working on a video for his birthday for a couple of months now and while it is long (you may need a snack or something...and kleenex..don't forget kleenex) it is set to fantastic music for your listening pleasure! Enjoy!!

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Baby Do's and Don'ts

Sometimes parenting is not as common sense as you would imagine! Sometimes, as a parent, you are faced with many difficult decisions. I think this website truly addresses the concerns of modern parents and it thoroughly and artistically provides excellent pictures that will help any parent in those times when you are just not sure what to do! Enjoy!


http://www.c00lstuff.com/1133/Do_s_and_don_ts_with_babies/

Parker Jay

Parker's birthday is coming up and I am feeling so emotional about it!! It is so silly! I truly cried myself to sleep the other night thinking about this past year and how far we have all come. I have tried several times to put into words how I am feeling and I just can't do it. It seems sappy and I just end up erasing it all. It's just, he started out as this little creature that I didn't know anything about. I had control over nothing. I knew nothing. And now, a year later, well, I still have control over nothing, but he is his own little person now. And we just kind of mesh. I remember that night in the hospital feeling like we were this little twosome team unit, a pair - we had forever to figure each other out. The whole thing just blows me away. Here I go being sappy again - and yes I am crying. I'll stop. But don't think you're off the hook you loyal readers! His birthday is Tuesday and there will be more sap to come! Of this I am sure!

When Mom's away the boys will play...

And consequently trash the place!!