To those who have been checking and have noticed that I havent written in a week - sorry. It's been a rough one!
Every year I need some kind of change. It seems like when summer comes I just feel cramped and I need my environment to change. So we decided to rearrange our apartment this week! Which was unfortunate for Jon because after trying 4 different arrangments and moving our couch to every side of the apartment possible...we decided the way we had it was really the only way! So we moved some pictures around and a couple of smaller pieces and I feel happy! I learned this about myself though..I do not like unfinished jobs and I really don't like leaving a mess. I had to leave it messy one night because I was so tired I could barely walk and I woke up at 5 thinking about cleaning! I thought about it all day! I would rather work 12 hours one day and finish the job then work a few hours every day for a week...but that is what we have had to do as Parker does not like to be ignored! Hopefully tomorrow we will be done and I will feel like I accompolished something!
On another note -
I went back to Children's today to see a friend who's daughter also has TGA. Delany had surgery a week ago. I do not want this entry to be about it, but being there brought so much back. The smell...as soon as I walked through the doors of the PICU it just stuck in the back of my mouth. Everything about it was just...awful. The kids walking around looking tired and weak, the parents standing by just drained. Everyone has the same expression...the "what happened to us that we are here? how did this place become home?" look. It was just weird. I saw Delany and remembered when Parker was that little and that sick. I watched Jen and Kevin talk to her and try desperately to make her comfortable and I remembered when Jon and I were there. I was watching Jen and Delany and I realized that I was wrong. I was never strong enough to be in that room with Parker. All of this time I thought I was the one who found strength but after watching it all from the outside I know now Parker was the strong one. Little Parker was strong enough for all three of us.

The result of my google search "funny signs"

What does it mean?!

I had a dream the other night and usually I can figure out what my dreams mean - but I am lost with this one. I had a dream that I was going on a picnic with my family. My mom called and said that we were wearing dresses. So I went into my closet and EVERY dress that I have ever owned was in my closet. I mean dresses that I remember from elementary school all the way up until now! Dresses I wore to church, the dress I wore to graduation, prom, my WEDDING dress...
So I started trying them all on and NONE of them fit. Some were too big and some were too small. Some were sewn weird so the seams were in the wrong place. It was an awful dream.
You know when you are running late and can't find anything to wear...it was like but for hours haha.
What does it mean?!

Well! Chicago CAN be a great city! Last night after work Parker and I were walking to Walgreens to pick up some medicine and I noticed that street that Walgreens is on was blocked off. I noticed lots of lights and limos and people were screaming. Would you believe that the Premier of Ocean's 13 was a block away from my apartment! Parker and I got a spot right up against the fence and were 15 feet away from George Clooney, Matt Damon, Bernie Mac, Ellen Barkin, Don Cheadle and Bruce Willis!!!!! George Clooney waved at Parker :-)(well - he waved in the direction of Parker anyway!)

On Marriage...

I was watching The View this morning - because that is what happens to women when they have babies...boring things become interesting :-) Barbara Walters made the comment "everyone knows that if you marry young you will get divorced". Ouch... I hope that is not the reality. Not for the sake of my marriage because divorce isn't optional there. I know it is a common thought though. If you marry young you will get divorced. It seems to me though that today it doesnt really matter to much when you get married... people are going to get divorced. In my opinion it works BETTER to be younger. At least it has for us. We always lived with someone else we had to consider. Our plans always effected someone. We always had to share our things. We always had to help out. We never had a chance to learn our own way of doing things. We never had a chance to be self centered with time or money. We do not resent each other for having to give up ourselves because we don't have any idea who we are without the other one.
I'm not saying the way I did things is the only way or the best way - but it certainly isn't a wrong way.
I am staggered by the divorce rate. More than 50%! Probably more than that. I heard one of my friends saying "for my first wedding I want to have....". Divorce is SO common that people are starting to expect it? Is that what is going on? Maybe the problem is people think if they aren't happy right at a particular moment then they can just change and do something else. We do not have a "right" to be happy 100% of the time. If that were true we would not have to work, go run errands, wait in lines, get stuck in traffic, lose things...that list could go on for a LONG time. Happiness can not be surface deep. Happiness has to be what you feel after you go through something crappy and say "wow - I'm still ok! This is great!" Anyone can be happy when things are great. Anyone can be happy with their spouse when they pick up after themselves or do a chore you didn't want to do. Anytime I get into a "woe is me - I have to do the dishes again" attitude I try to remind myself that Jon loves me and would feel bad if he knew I was feeling like that. I ask for some help - maybe we fight about it, maybe we don't but at the end of the night we have worked together and are happy about our decision to work something out instead of give up and be miserable.
It's amazing and liberating to know Jon isn't leaving. I would live in constant fear if divorce were possible. How could I have mean days, or be awful when I am sick, get chubby, or go through "gross" things like pregnancy and all the "wonderful" things it has done to my body if I thought Jon might decide "enough!" and leave? Can you imagine that kind of pressure? It is incredible to be able to say "yeah I was horrible - and Im really sorry" as many times as I need to and it is still ok.
I think that's why they say that the closet relationship you can compare to us and God is husband and wife. Unconditional.

VERY short entry today! GO GET A HOT STONE MASSAGE! This was my Mother's Day present from Jon and Parker. It was incredible! I am so relaxed! And so looking forward to eating my Moose Tracks ice cream!

I received a carbon copy of a letter today from the cardiologist to the pediatrician. The letter was discussing Parker's last apt with her. In it she mentioned that his last echo (like an ultra sound of his heart) showed mild pulmonary stenosis. This is super common to have after the Arterial Switch Operation - but if it gets severe doctors have to intervene. There are different things that can be done ranging from catheters to another surgery. It's fixable is what I am saying.
I can reason through all of this - but it just opens this flood gate of all of those emotions and feelings again. The fear. .... It almost has a taste. I remember being pregnant and thinking if I could just make it go away for even an hour. Even sleep didn't help because I would dream it. I guess I believed that after the surgery we would never have another issue again. I know that's not true. There are all kinds of little things that can be problems here and there. I guess I should have prepared better.
The pulmonary stenosis is not a huge deal, nobody be worried. It's just that when I read it, I remembered every little detail all in one second. I read it and remembered how the walls just closed in that day we found out.
We were going back in for a second ultra sound because "they did not get all of the views they needed" at the last one. I have since found out from lots of women who found out about their child's heart defect during an ultrasound that this is what they all say. However we were totally unsuspecting. The nurse looked for a long time and finally said that she was going to go get the doctor to come look...still no worries from us. Jon and I were laughing about how much money this was costing. The doctor, Dr. Sabbagauh came in and he and the nurse were talking quietly over my stomach. I heard "big hole" and "where is the aorta". I remember looking at Jon and thinking "do something!" "change it!". He was just as powerless as I was. We were totally blindsighted. I didn't even know if I should cry. How bad was this? The doctor patted my foot and I started to cry a little. When he started talking about Down Sydrome and defects I realized. He said "You are a smart woman - you know what this all means". But I didn't know.
They left us alone for over an hour while waited for a real cardiologist to come in and do an echo and give us an actual diagnosis. For an hour we just sat and cried. The room was too small. It was too hot. My clothes were too tight. There was not enough air. And at that point I did not think I could take another breath if there HAD been enough air. To say it was the worse hour of my life is an understatement. There are no words.
Finally Dr. Cuneo (still my favorite doctor even though we only saw her this once) came and got us. She told me to go use the rest room and I remember being alone in the bathroom and mouthing "PLEASE let him be ok" "PLEASE" I must have said it 50 times. I needed it. I knew I would not be ok if something happened to him. I already loved him and I already needed him. The thing is - I didn't know how much until that moment.
Dr. Cuneo had a wonderful way of telling us about Transposition of the Great Arteries. I felt so much hope after talking with her. It was like being starved for hope during that hour we were waiting. Jon and I just needed SOMETHING to grab hold of. When she gave hope to us, it was like finally getting water. I felt physically full again. I left not feeling empty. Not feeling like I was missing something. I felt like it was going to be ok.
It was such an overwhelming day.
So you can see why my guard is up. I do not want to be blindsighted again. But I don't to spend my whole life worried and on edge either. It's tough to find the balance.