When I get to work in the mornings I park my car in an alley that is surrounded by houses. Today when I got out of my car I heard a man singing. I said to Parker, "someone has their radio turned up!" shaking my head because it was just 7:30. That's when I realized that it was no radio. Accross from my car is a house and in that house was a man singing at the top of his lungs IN THE SHOWER! With the window open! I wonder if he had any idea that the whole world was listening. I hope he did know but he just didn't mind. Now that would be someone to emulate.

Parker meet Penny! Tomorrow night Jon, Parker and I are flying to Dallas to visit my family. I can't wait! There is something about going "home" isn't there? It's very centering for me. Tomorrow will be especially fantastic because I get to introduce my dog, Penny to my son Parker. Penny is pretty close to 500 years old. I have had her since I was in ELEMENTARY school. Well - my parent's have had her but I still claim her. It's like two worlds will collide. Old Emily meets New Emily.

When I was little I started bringing Penny to the stairs and we would sit and I would tell her everything (the poor girl). It is safe to say that Penny knows every insignificant details about the trails of my adolesent years and even into "adulthood" (if we are calling it that). She knows about the devestation of the Great Move from Madison to Tulsa, the soap opera saga of boyfriends that came in and out, you get the point I am sure...Penny grew up with me! So you can see how I can feel all tingly about introducing the two of them! I feel like having Parker now officially makes me "grown up". The drama is over and all is settled. I have found a place. (Penny and I take a sigh of relief together)

Whew ok...I'm not so upset today and my apologies for those of you sickos...er..I mean people who like Hostel ;-) Today I am happy because it is going to be 85 DEGREES!! That's sounding kind of like summer don't you think?! Oh but then there are the memories of last May - walking to church - in my winter coat - cursing this city and it's noncommitting weather. I think it will be safe to say summer is here in August! Oh well - I'll take what I can get until I move back SOUTH. Today is another day for flip flops and capris so who's complaining!

I am upset. I was absolutely floored yesterday when I heard that they were coming out with a second Hostel. I do not understand the obsession with violence today. And Hostel is not just violent...it goes so far beyond violence that it is actually literally sickening to me. Someone has the imagination to THINK of these things. Ok, I have never seen the movie, but I have seen previews and traliers for it and it truly disturbs me. I mean it really really bothers me that there are people out there who call this ENTERTAINMENT. Acting or not it is gross.
For those who don't know, the movie is about people who are backpacking through Europe and decide to stay at this Hostel. Well, it actually is a place of torture and business men pay money to go in and act out their fantisies on the people who are being held capture there. The movie was so gruesome that during some of the scenes only the director could be in the room with the actors. Horrible.
So the second movie coming out is worse. It is going to be about a place where women are lured and tortured...naturally. And torture is not even an accurate word for what I saw in the preview for this movie.
Does this not bother anyone else? Where is it going to end? Because the only worse thing I can think of is a movie about a place that tortures kids...is that what's next? What do people need to see to be satisfied? When will people say "enough already"? Do we need live shows?
I do not understand why everyone is ok that the guy who created this...who thought of all this out walking around - hanging out with us like he is normal. It is NOT normal to think about this stuff. It is NOT ok.
"It's a movie" "It's acting" I keep hearing but that is so unacceptable to me. There are so many people who say that we as a society are not valuing the life of the unborn. And I agree - that is a HUGE problem (and another post) but isn't it true to say that as a society we don't value life - at all? I mean, it starts from there. And this movie is proof.
I am not one of those people who believe that if people see something violent then they will do it - sick people will be sick people with or without violence on TV. But what has happened to us since the days when Carrie was violent enough? When Children of the Corn was horrifying? Clearly the problem is that we have become desensitived to it. What used to be violent is not anymore. So what can I do? What can I do so that Parker does not buy into it? What things should Parker not be allowed to see so that he does not think Hostel is entertaining? I want for him to be disturbed by this and not think it's cool. I would not consider myself a good parent if he went into the world thinking it was just another movie.

I am always taken back by simple things in nature since I moved to the city. I remember one night last summer Jon and I were outside Jon's grandfather's house in the subburbs and we stopped dead in our tracks when we looked up and saw...stars! It is too bright here for stars. One time I saw a butterfly outside my window...we live on the 33rd floor! That is really high for a butterfly I think but I appreciated it. Today I was driving home from work and a thunderstorm was coming. I forgot how green the trees and grass look before rain. It absolutely took my breath away. I tried desperately to take pictures of it on my cell phone while I was driving - but that didn't feel safe.

Happy Mother's Day to my mother who is an amazing woman and my best friend. I love you! Happy Mother's Day to JoAnn. Thank you for raising Jon! Job incredibly well done! I am trying desperately to learn from you both. Happy Mother's Day to ALL mothers everywhere for that matter!
Thanks go out to Jon for an incredible Mother's Day! Not only did he throw together a perfectly wonderful day of brunching, walking, and shopping but he ultimately gave me the best gift anyone has ever given me in my life. No lie folks - this gift could never be out done. Jon gave me my son! Sure he didn't "mean" to at the time but here we are regardless. Jon has brought true love into my life. I mean the kind of love that is defined by bringing out emotions and feelings that run deeper than anything ever depicted in even the most romantic of romances Hollywood ever created - the feeling you get when you stand hand in hand at the check out line at the grocery store and smile when you see the total - $97.28! Yes!! It's under $100! The kind of feeling you get when the laundry has piled up so high that it is actually funny. The kind of feeling you get when you swear if you have to pick up his shoes one more time you'll leave but you realize that if that is the worst part of your day you are doing pretty darn good. True love. The love that comes from day in and day out - giving and taking - the best of times and worst times - LIFE.
I love where Jon has taken my life. The direction my life has taken since I married him and ran off to Chicago - freezing cold place that it is - is absolutely beyond anything even I could ever have imagined.
I have celebrated Parker every minute of every day that I knew he was mine. I have celebrated my roll as a mother privately with him in every action I have taken in the last year. So today, on Mother's Day, I am celebrating my husband who has taken me to this place. My husband who has loved me into motherhood.

Jon is at school. Parker is asleep. The apartment is clean. Laundry is done. I have an idea about dinner tonight. There is nothing that I have to be doing :-) This little moment comes so rarely. What is interesting is that no matter how old I get, how many responsibilities I have, how many "to do's" are on my "to do" list...some things never change. I am sitting on my couch in old jeans and old t shirt eating a snack and watching a Lifetime movie. Which is exactly where you would have found me five years ago on Saturday with nothing to do.

How do you say thank you to the men responsible for saving your sons life? Here is my attempt:

Dear Doctor Mavroudis and Doctor Backer,
I have spent the weeks since Parker's surgery trying to envision this thank you letter. Even now as I am writing I am completely lost for words. Weeks keep rolling by while my family moves further and further away from the reality of your world. With every day that goes by I spend less time remembering when we found ourselves thrown into the middle of it. I look at Parker now and just revel in his baby-ness and almost forget his beginning. I almost forget...but then I watch him take a deep breath and remember how terrifying the moment was when they took the breathing tube out and his little body laid limp until he took that breath on his own. I walk in and see him sleeping and remember the first night he went to sleep with nothing taped to his face - he was beautiful. I see my husband lift him into the air while he laughs and remember how careful and meticulous we used to be when moving him because he was connected to so many tubes and wires. No matter how many weeks, months or years go by, I will never forget. I will never forget how strong Parker was and I will never forget who is responsible for saving my sons life.
I spent the last twenty weeks of my pregnancy living with the fear that Parker would not be ok. I used to dream, every night, of the moment you came out to tell me the surgery was over. Sometimes Parker lived and sometimes he didn't. I spent every single day knowing that there was a 3% chance my son would not come home. At that point it 3% is the same as 95%. The fear is absolutely comsuming. All of my energy was spent in making myself get up each day and pretend to have faith.
It is amazing to live without that fear now. The life we live is amazing. We are almost whole again. We have almost moved on.
Sometimes late at night when the busy day can't distract me - I am there again. I hear the beeping monitors, the nurses whispering quietly outside our room - trying to give us space so we can pretend that we have some control over our son, all of the wires - I will never get the image out of my mind, the other children you see out of the corner of your eye as you walk down the hall - some of the stories still haunt me and I wonder if their families were as lucky as ours.
I remember so well the morning of surgery. We were in the big room with all of the empty beds lined up and you, Doctor Mavroudis came in. You were wearing your scrubs and hat. It was such a surrel moment. I wanted to scream to you that this baby was different than any other baby you had ever operated on - that I loved him more than any mother has ever loved their child and you really really really had to do your best here. I knew I couldn't do that. I wondered what you ate for breakfast that morning - I wondered if you were worried or if this was routine to you - I wondered if you knew the power you had. Your hands...YOUR hands would keep my son alive ... or not. You commented that he was a good size. You whispered to some people in the corner and then as quickly as you came - you left and they took Parker with you.
My family sat in the waiting room. A mother was crying because her daughter was having tubes put in her ears. She was so scared and worried. I did not have it in me to tell her that you were holding my sons heart in your hands. But you were - my family just sat there while you actually moved his aorta and pulmonary artery - while you actually moved his cornary arteries and reattached it all.
When it was over, Doctor Mavroudis, you came out and told us that everything was ok and that the surgery went as expected. I could not believe that was it - weeks and weeks of worrying and in 5 hours everything was "as expected". I asked you three times if everything was ok in as many ways as possible trying to let it sink in that he really was going to get to come home with me one day. You finally said "I can not tell you any other way - he is fine". It was not that simple to me. I said "thank you" and thought about how insuffient that was. What do you say in that situation? There are not enough words. There is not enough sincerity and there is not enough gratitude.
It has been over three months since that day. We are probably a distant memory to you. You see so many babies and children with broken hearts. Our day was just another day in the office for you. It wasn't for us. We are forever changed. We will never look at the world the same way again. I will never look at Parker or any other baby the same again. We are smarter, tougher, sadder, but more joyful because of what we know now. Our son's heart is beating and beating every minute - he is healthy and he is alive. Each beat his heart makes is a testament to your skill and knowledge - and to our gratitude. Thank you - thank you - thank you a thousand times.

The Night I Fell In Love

"Alright I'm up I'm up" Every morning I give in to the little voice pleading for someone to get out of bed and come entertain him. No matter how tired I am or how much I just want to roll over and ignore the call, by the time I make my way over to his crib and see his huge smile when he realize he has won, it is worth it.
This morning I was thinking about our last night in the hospital. Jon had gone back home already and Parker and I had FINALLY been moved to the 5th Floor (the step down floor...the "before you go home" floor). It was amazing. Parker had one lone IV still and was so easy to move. There was not a nurse standing 5 feet away watching me. I was actually responsible for my son for the first time. My bed was right next to his. I could reach my hand up and touch him. I remember bringing him out of his bed and letting him lay in my lap while I watched You've Got Mail and checked my email. Nothing had ever been this casual before.
In the other rooms in order to pick him up I had to sit in the strait back chair (not comfortable) with a pillow on my lap to help support his cords and tubes and I almost always had to have some kind of help getting him to me and putting him down. If I did it alone, the nurse would watch suspiciously making sure I wasn't going to hurt him. Everything was out of my control. They came in and woke him up, told me when to feed him, I could HELP bathe him, HELP change his diaper, HELP give his medicine...but all along I could not wait until he was really mine to take care of. I was so ready.
That last night was truly amazing. I fell in love that night and I think Parker did too. I think it was the first time that I was different than one of his nurses. We sat for hours cuddling and staring at each other until we just fell asleep. I remember thinking how incredibly perfect he was (a feeling I did not think I would have when I found out about his heart). I remember thinking that we were this little twosome who would always be together....you know, until he's 10 and doesn't want to hug me anymore :-) It was wonderful. We've spent every night together since :-)

Hey World, Here I Am!

Ok so this is a poem I used to love when I was like 12, but it is appropriate here I think

I said to the World, "I've arrived.
I, have come at last!"
The World paid no attention.
I said to the World "Hey World, here I am!
Don't you understand? It's ME"
The World ignored me.
I took myself off into a corner.
"Guess what?" I whispered. "I made it
You know . . . ME"
Myself bellowed "YAAAAY!!!!!"
The World turned.
"What did you say?" said the World.
I paid no attention.
Afer all, I gave it its chance.
It's not my fault that it missed me.

I think it's funny - always have. Anyway, so this is my attempt at this so called "blogging" thing. You will have to bear with me as I am sure this is not my thing. It's not that I don't have plenty to say, I do...it's just that hand writing it in journals has worked just fine for years and years. I have been told that this is the way to go though...you know...all the cool kids are doing it sort of a thing. So this is my shot - don't be too hard on me :-)