It's hard raising a kid with a free will

Back in the day - well back a week ago - Parker and I worked together like clockwork! I read the books and made educated decisions on what he should eat, when he should sleep, what he should play with and how best to mold his behavior and so he ate what I put in front of him, he slept when I laid him down and he was playful and naturally curious with just enough physical limitations to keep him safe. "This is easy" I have been saying to myself for the past 10 months. I was arrogant. "How do people mess this up?" I thought to myself - proud of the angelic child we were raising. Would you believe that I have even put away my parenting books. Oh - I was THAT sure of myself.

With my head hung in shame I am writing to admit, sincerely, I was wrong.

Last night, after two hours of fighting with him to sleep, I brought out a book that teaches parents how to help their baby develop into a "delightful two year old". It talks mostly about behavior issues, specific ways to play with a baby, the correct ammount of attention...you get the idea. I don't know what I am doing, I figure a delightful two year old seems like a good goal and so I read what this guy says! Anyway, APPARENTLY 8 months to 14 months is "make it or break it" time according to this guy. CAN YOU IMAGINE IF I HAD NOT OPENED THIS BOOK? I wouldn't have known! He says that every action and reaction Jon and I make as parents for the next 4 months will make him an angel or demon! PRESSURE folks - lots of pressure. Oh I was sweating! Jon was laughing at me in the corner of the room as I read off the behaviors we need to "nip in the bud" right now. (How, Emily, do you "nip" behaviors in a 10 month old? Good question, you hold him down so he can't move for 10 seconds after an offense such as pulling hair or biting. Babies "value the ability to move" he says.)
Apparently Parker has a "free will" just like me. He has figured out that he does not have to do what I want him to do. It is fun, I guess, to throw his food on the floor - yes even food he likes - pull hair, tackle people, throw temper tantrums and bang his face on the floor so I have to pick him up, protest sleeping, putting his socks, pants, coats, even diapers on, and he newest "game" is scrunching his head down to his chest so hard that he can't breathe and he turns red. Where did this come from?! And so we argue.

Where I once spent my day surrounding him with phrases like "come sit in my lap sweet heart" and "you are such a good eater love" now it's "Parker don't pull his hair" "Parker stop screaming" "Parker don't unplug that" "Parker you are going to hurt yourself" "Parker I'm taking this away from you" "No Parker" "You can't do that either Parker".

Whew - I get tired just writing it! I was venting to my mom about it this morning - she cracking up inside, I heard it - and she told me "this won't last forever, it's just a phase". The thing is, I think she was lying to me. I have this eerie feeling that this is just getting started. She knows it alright. Maybe she is scared I will sell him to the gypsies before Christmas and he won't be there? But I know she knows something!

Here is the crazy thing. I am tired. I look awful. I feel guilty for the being the "no" police all day long. I look forward to my hour at the end of the day when he is asleep and I can talk and sound like something other than an auctioneer. BUT last night, when he did finally go to sleep, Jon called me into his room to look at him because he was sleeping in "such a cute little ball" and we stood there for a few minutes discussing how cute he is and (and this is the crazy part) in the back of my mind, or maybe deep in my heart, I heard a voice say "Let's wake him up and play some more!" I LOVE this kid. Truly, love is not strong enough. The best part of my day is still waking him up in the morning and seeing his smile and his messy hair and crusty little face. And I know I get to do it all over again today.