Figuring it out

In my struggle to find peace with everything that is happening I started to read Romans. I remember in one of my religion classes called "Life and the Letters of Paul" that Romans was refered to as the "faith" book and I am finding that to be true. Here is the message I am getting from all directions: my readings in Romans, the homily/sermon this morning/my devotion book: Calm My Anxious Heart

Be content in every situation "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want"

When I think of the word "content" I don't think of exubrant, jumping for joy, thrilled, ecstatic - I think of at a calm peace. A place of not challenging or fighting the situation, but accepting it.

I have been meditating on the imagine of Jesus in the garden the night he was arrested. He ASKED God to "take this cup from me". He was not eager to endure what God was asking of him. He told God that he did not want to do it - BUT (and this is what contement is) he said "but not my will but yours be done". And he accepted it. Jesus knew something I have just not been willing confront - not since one year ago when I found out about Parker's heart.

I read this little story tonight and wanted to share it here because it has changed the way I am thinking about God and my life as the mom of a baby with a heart defect. I needed this tonight.

"I need oil" said an ancient monk, so he planted an olive tree. "Lord, it needs rain that its tender roots may drink and swell. Send gentle showers" And the Lord sent gentle showers. "Lord," prayed the monk " my tree needs sun. Send sun, I pray Thee". And the sun shone through the dripping clouds. "Now frost, my Lod, to brace its tissues" cried the monk. And behold, the little tree stood sparkling with frostm but that evening, it died.
The monk sought the cell of a brother monk, and told his strange experience. "I, too, planted a little tree" the other monk said "and see! It thrives well. BECAUSE I ENTRUST MY TREE TO ITS GOD. HE WHO MADE IT KNOWS BETTER WHAT IT NEEDS THAN A MAN LIKE ME. I LAID NO CONDITION. I FIXED NOT WAYS OR MEANS. 'LORD SEND WHAT IT NEEDS' I PRAYED 'STORM OR SUNSHINE, WIND, RAIN OR FROST. THOU HAST MADE IT AND THOU DOST KNOW'

I don't know how to entrust Parker to God. I don't know how to give up control on this because I dont know what will happen. I don't know so many things but I do know this - if I am to find peace, contentment, acceptance - if I am to learn how to trust God in the bad times - then I have to trust that God will lead me to contentment. I know this is the right thing to do. I know it is time to stop being angry and start being thankful for the amazing gifts that I have and that Parker has - a strong body, a willful spirit, brilliant doctors with phenomenal technology, the list goes on and on. It is time to give up and let God run this show because He made Parker's body just the way it is and He knows what it needs. I like the greek translation of Philippians 4:13 " I am able to face anything by the one who makes me ABLE to do it"

If you are still reading this far into this, I realize this is a very personal part of my life to be making public. I learned when I was studying English that the only way we can immortalize something is to write it down. It's like the Pharoh said in that old 10 Commandments movie: So let it be written - so let it be done!